And on the 7th day, he reviewed

Generally, romantic comedies represent everything wrong with the Hollywood studio system. Cokehead execs slap together two random stars with some heat (saaaay, Zach Braff and Ziyi Zhang) in a lamebrain concept (what if the President's lazy brother fell for this hot Chinese diplomat who was, like, a total spy and stuff?) with a script cobblied together from other high-grossing snorefests (it'll be "Hitch" in the world of "The Contender!").

Now, a rom-com doesn't have to be that bad. If you throw in John Cusack, there's a chance of decency ("High Fidelity"). Add his real-life best pal Jeremy Piven as the boisterous sidekick and you're at least going to get some funny scenes in a crap flick ("Serendipity"). But if you also let John write the script, make him a hit man, mix in a great '80s soundtrack, and send him back to high school, well, them thar's the makin's of a top 10 movie, and one with memorable quotes to spare. So, without further ado:

Week 1 NBA Review, by "Grosse Point Blank"

"I guess you could say I went West. You know, the way of Horatio Alger, Davy Crockett, the Donner Party..." -Martin Blank (John Cusack)

Oh, Atlanta. Opening at Golden State, at the Clips, and at Portland before getting the Lakers at home was a tough way to start the year. Last season, any team would salivate at the chance to feast on the underachieving left coast, but the pecking order is a little different this year -- well, except for you, Atlanta. You still suck like "French Kiss."

"Ten years, man! TEN YEARS! Ten years!" -Paul Spericki (Jeremy Piven)

Speaking of Golden State, it's been awhile, huh? Punking the Bucks in Milwaukee proved to me that this team can stick around in the playoff picture this season.
-1 w/o Baron, +3 w/ him = early MVP candidate.

"That punk is either in love with that guy's daughter or he's got a newfound respect for life!" -Grocer (Dan Ackroyd)

Really, Phil, what brought you back? Was it the tantalizing line-up featuring Smush Parker at the point? How about a bench so deep the Mankato Scarlets would be jealous? Could it have been a desire to finally teach the game instead of just handing out Sun Tzu pamphlets to any team with the best 2 players in the league on them? Or was it a certain former Playboy model who works for Daddy and has you wrapped around her little finger?

"Sir, it's out of my hands. The gods want you to go back home, and they want you to delete someone while you're there." -Marcella (Joan Cusack)

Or maybe the Lakers just want Phil back to chase off Kobe so they can build around that fat kid they drafted.

"If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's, well, broken. " - Debi Newberry (Minnie Driver)

There's breaking news today that Vanessa Bryant is pregnant. I wonder how Kobe feels about raising Karl Malone's kid?

"I know what I do isn't... moral, per se..." -Martin Blank

Nenad Krstic is averaging 5 fouls per game through 4 games and he's doing it in less than 30 minutes per. Even Yao Ming is impressed.

"Well, I was looking for some validation in my life, but apparently came up SHORT!" -Paul Spericki

Eddy Curry. Jerome James. Jamal Crawford. Larry Brown. And, of course, Isiah Thomas. Your 0-3 New York Knickerbockers, ladies and gentlemen.

"Okay, well, I'll see you at the 'I've peaked and I'm kidding myself' party." -Paul Spericki

Can we please stop talking about the Suns and Sonics now? The Suns lost at home to the Kings, who were beaten by like 60 in Oklahoma City. They had their shot, they blew it, and now they're left with Shawn Marion, Steve Nash, and the #2 guy on the board at Honest Bob's Used Auto Superplex running the show. The Sonics, meanwhile, are busy losing by almost 30 (no exaggeration this time, sadly) to the Grizz. They have Johan "Don't call me Sebastian Bach" Petro manning the middle. These teams flared up for a good season but will now have trouble making the playoffs. I'll start paying attention to the Marc Steins of the world once they stop reading last season's "USA Today."

"I work at Kentucky Fried Chicken. I sell biscuits and gravy all over the Southland." -Martin Blank

Did you know Kerry Kittles was out of the league?

"They all have husbands and wives and children and houses and dogs, and, you know, they've all made themselves a part of something and they can talk about what they do. What am I gonna say? 'I killed the president of Paraguay with a fork. How've you been?'" -Martin Blank

Welcome back, Ron. We missed you.